I Want You to Want Me

 When I was a wee lad, we had some sort of a secret Santa exchange in elementary school. As we excitedly opened our gifts I was rather disappointed to find mine was modeling clay. I observed all the other kids happily playing with cheap plastic toys and doo dads, and promptly went into a hissy fit. I wish I could remember everything, but I distinctly recall saying something to the effect of: “I always get clay. My mom gave me clay, my grandparents gave me clay, all I ever get for a presents is clay”. Either out of sympathy, pity, or most likely, to get me to shut up, one of the kids offered to exchange their Hotwheels car for the clay. I gladly accepted and went off to play with my prized toy. A few minutes later, I noticed about half the class was over by the other kid, making cool things with the clay. I immediately felt like an ass (or a heel, because I think “ass” was still a cuss word back then) for the drama filled performance I did in order to give up something I didn’t realize I wanted for something I really didn’t.

 What are the lessons from this, and what does it have to do with this post? A couple. First is to give things a chance before you give up on them (which has little to do with this post). The second (which does) is that manipulating people to get what you want usually winds up with you regretting the decision

 I knew I had a talent for manipulation at an early age. I was very intelligent (says so right here) and though not the most social, I was charismatic when I needed to be. I pretty much used it at every opportunity (don’t worry, karma has caught up with me, my kids are pretty good themselves). It wasn’t really until I joined the Air Force that I learned manipulating people usually produces only short-term results. When you lead people, you want to them to do things because they want to, not because they have to. This was further reinforced when I became a parent. I was (and still am) determined to have my kids do things not out of fear of punishment, but out of a desire to do so.

 I can (and still do) manipulate people and situations, but I try to be in the “only use my powers for good” category now. I'm excellent in debates and I have no regrets talking a maître D into giving me a nicer table or convincing that cop that just a warning would be a prudent thing to do. I also will do it if I believe the outcome is what is supposed to happen (oh the hypocrite I am… I hate it when others do “what’s best for me”). I’m still selfish from time to time, but normally it at least benefits all parties involved.

 One category I’ve purposely withheld my magic is dating. I convinced my Ex for years to stay together and, like my opening story, what I got in return was something I didn’t really want. I don’t want that again for me, or my significant other. If I were interested in flings and one night stands, I could be quite the Player (not only that, but I’m a single dad with full-time teens so my bachelor pad isn’t the place for seduction). My dating goal is not manipulation and sex, it’s a relationship. My free time is limited and I’m not getting any younger, so games are not on the agenda (even though I’d probably be pretty good at it).

I want someone to want me. Not some façade that I created to make them want me. Eventually the real you will surface. If you’re a fake, then all you’ll have is a fake relationship. This works both ways. Not only will you be happier if someone is willingly with you, but in return, they will be happier because they know they’re with you because they want to be.

At times I’ve been tempted to change myself. To be the person I think the other wants. Recently I almost caved and my best friend convinced me to continue to be myself and keep doing things I’d normally do, not things I think I should do. It may confuse others; thinking I should be playing the game. It could cost me a lot of time invested and potential relationships, but I have the confidence that it’ll lead to something I didn’t realize was what I’ve always wanted.

Emerging from Death

Not every post I write has a specific point or structure to it. Some things I either want to just share or get off my chest and there's no way to wrap it up with a neat bow. This is one of those posts...

 A few years ago I was obsessed with death. Not in a goth kid or sadistic sense. I was just suddenly fearful of my own mortality. Before anyone starts worrying, it was not suicidal thoughts in any way. Much the opposite. There’s so much left I want to do and I was frightened about the prospect of everything suddenly ending.

 This wasn’t occasional thoughts. It became a nightly occurrence. Nearly every time I tried to sleep I would think about what would happen if I didn’t wake up. Would I no longer be conscious of anything? Do we move on? Does everything just stop? I became incredibly aware of each heartbeat, trying to figure out if there was something irregular as I tried to settle myself down for the night. I worried about brain aneurysms and blood clots. This was quite a scary feeling considering I normally look forward to sleeping, not only for the dreams, but to fast-forward to the next day. Again, this was just at night. I wasn’t overly cautious and paranoid during the day and certainly didn't avoid the shark filled oceans and deadly golf ball filled courses of Hawaii. 

 It wasn't depression (or at least, I don't think it was). It only happened prior to sleep and there wasn't really anything wrong in my life. I had no reason to even think that I was going to die and I was relatively happy and healthy. No signifigant money problems and I had sufficient friends and a family. 

Religion wasn't much of an option. I was raised Catholic, but hadn't practiced in years and I’m really more of an Agnostic at the moment. (I don’t want to get in a debate. I do believe there’s something greater than us out there and I believe in an afterlife of some sort, I’m just not convinced it’s as simple as heaven and hell. This actually would be a good future blog subject).

 It went on for months. I tried to alleviate my worries but doing what always used to work; write about it. I came up with the gem of an idea for a book and/or screenplay that explored theories of afterlife (I’m still working on it). This helped for a little bit, but eventually those dark thoughts returned night after night.

 This continued for almost a year, then they suddenly stopped. I actually hadn’t noticed that they stopped until I reflected on it a few months ago. I traced it back and realized the last time I can remember thinking about it was almost the same time I met a friend who changed my life.

 I apologize in advance, but I’m not going to expand much on that last sentence. I can hear you groaning as I write this. One day I’ll find a way to tell that story, but I can say that this person completely and utterly affected my view of the world. It was almost as if we were supposed to find each other and they are the primary source of my soulmates post. (Don’t read too much into this. I’m still divorced and very single, so it’s not what you think).

 To be fair, it’s possible that something else could have eased my mind. A lot of major changes happened around the same time I met that person. All I know is we’re incredible friends and it’s brought me peace since we met. Whether you believe in God or not, I’ve seen evidence that there’s some unknown force providing opportunities. It’s no mere coincidence our paths crossed.

 I guess what moral you can get from this post is that funks end, and the clouds eventually clear. Sometimes on their own, or sometimes someone guides you out. Good things can happen at any moment. It just may come from an unexpected source, or an unexpected person. 

 **I’ve never told the person this story. I could never find an opportune time to do it ("hey, did I ever tell you the time I was obsessed with death?"), but I wanted to thank them. It should have been in person, but I think writing it down is a more fitting tribute.

http://aaroniceeis.blogspot.com/2013/09/will-you-be-my-soulmate.html?m=1

Will You be my Soulmate?

 My last semi-bitter post about Love made think of a related subject I’ve discussed with a few jaded people in my life. Is there such a thing as a Soulmate? If you’re lazy and don’t want to read the rest of the blog, I’ll share the answer. Definitely, Yes.

(In an interesting side-note, Microsoft Word is flagging "Soulmate" as an illegitimate word.)

Still reading? Okay, let me clarify what my definition of Soulmate is. First and foremost, as with any word, “soulmate” is simply a word invented to describe something. In this case, it’s a relationship with another human. Not a necessarily a lover, spouse, or romantic interest, though the majority of opposite sex soulmates fall into this category (and I suppose some same sex). Think of your best friend since grade school. That one who you do everything with, knows your secrets, and your favorite flavor of ice cream. Yeah, that’s a Soulmate.

What is a Soulmate? It’s a person you have an instant connection with. Something that’s immediate, but you can’t quite explain. It’s a form of “love at first sight” but as I explained earlier, Love is not a requirement for a Soulmate. With a Soulmate you form an instant bond. That feeling you’ve known that person forever, even though you’ve barely met. The more you stick with a Soulmate, the more in-tune you are with each other. You know what they’re thinking before they say anything. You can sense their emotions without a word. You know you’re going to say “yes” before they even speak. A Soulmate is an instant friend for life, even if circumstances pull you physically apart.

The romanticized version says that there is only one person for everyone in their life, you should wait until you find your Soulmate, and this is the only person you should ever be with. That’s simply not true. It is possible to be happily married forever to someone who isn’t your soulmate. It’s possible to have best friends who aren’t your soulmate. It’s possible to go your entire life without ever meeting a Soulmate. It’s true that marrying a Soulmate is the best possible scenario, but it’s far from the only one.

Notice that I keep sticking “a” before Soulmate? That’s because despite the romanticized version of Soulmates, it is possible to have more than one. There is not one person who is split from your soul and only that one person can fulfill you. It just doesn’t work like that. You can have more than one best friend. You can love more than one Soulmate. I don’t mean to cheapen the definition of a Soulmate by telling you there can be more than one. Soulmates are truly a rare find and completely random. You can go your whole life without ever meeting a Soulmate, or you could meet Ten. It’s something you have no control over. There is no set way to go about finding a Soulmate. There is no way of knowing one until you meet them.

If you do meet one, if your paths cross, hopefully you’ll not only be in a position to recognize it (its hard not to), but to also be able to be with that person until you’re old and grey. Unfortunately this isn’t always possible, but I’ll let you in on a secret; you don’t have to physically be with a Soulmate to retain that connection you share. It’ll always be there, and somehow, some way, your paths will cross again and again.