When I was a wee lad, we had some sort of a secret Santa exchange in elementary school. As we excitedly opened our gifts I was rather disappointed to find mine was modeling clay. I observed all the other kids happily playing with cheap plastic toys and doo dads, and promptly went into a hissy fit. I wish I could remember everything, but I distinctly recall saying something to the effect of: “I always get clay. My mom gave me clay, my grandparents gave me clay, all I ever get for a presents is clay”. Either out of sympathy, pity, or most likely, to get me to shut up, one of the kids offered to exchange their Hotwheels car for the clay. I gladly accepted and went off to play with my prized toy. A few minutes later, I noticed about half the class was over by the other kid, making cool things with the clay. I immediately felt like an ass (or a heel, because I think “ass” was still a cuss word back then) for the drama filled performance I did in order to give up something I didn’t realize I wanted for something I really didn’t.
What are the lessons from this, and what does it have to do with this post? A couple. First is to give things a chance before you give up on them (which has little to do with this post). The second (which does) is that manipulating people to get what you want usually winds up with you regretting the decision
I knew I had a talent for manipulation at an early age. I was very intelligent (says so right here) and though not the most social, I was charismatic when I needed to be. I pretty much used it at every opportunity (don’t worry, karma has caught up with me, my kids are pretty good themselves). It wasn’t really until I joined the Air Force that I learned manipulating people usually produces only short-term results. When you lead people, you want to them to do things because they want to, not because they have to. This was further reinforced when I became a parent. I was (and still am) determined to have my kids do things not out of fear of punishment, but out of a desire to do so.
I can (and still do) manipulate people and situations, but I try to be in the “only use my powers for good” category now. I'm excellent in debates and I have no regrets talking a maître D into giving me a nicer table or convincing that cop that just a warning would be a prudent thing to do. I also will do it if I believe the outcome is what is supposed to happen (oh the hypocrite I am… I hate it when others do “what’s best for me”). I’m still selfish from time to time, but normally it at least benefits all parties involved.
One category I’ve purposely withheld my magic is dating. I convinced my Ex for years to stay together and, like my opening story, what I got in return was something I didn’t really want. I don’t want that again for me, or my significant other. If I were interested in flings and one night stands, I could be quite the Player (not only that, but I’m a single dad with full-time teens so my bachelor pad isn’t the place for seduction). My dating goal is not manipulation and sex, it’s a relationship. My free time is limited and I’m not getting any younger, so games are not on the agenda (even though I’d probably be pretty good at it).
I want someone to want me. Not some façade that I created to make them want me. Eventually the real you will surface. If you’re a fake, then all you’ll have is a fake relationship. This works both ways. Not only will you be happier if someone is willingly with you, but in return, they will be happier because they know they’re with you because they want to be.
At times I’ve been tempted to change myself. To be the person I think the other wants. Recently I almost caved and my best friend convinced me to continue to be myself and keep doing things I’d normally do, not things I think I should do. It may confuse others; thinking I should be playing the game. It could cost me a lot of time invested and potential relationships, but I have the confidence that it’ll lead to something I didn’t realize was what I’ve always wanted.
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