I used to talk myself out of a lot of things. My desire to over-analyze things combined with a general anxiety disorder made it difficult for me to mentally commit to doing things like going to a bar, attending a party, or even dancing. I went on some medication for several months, which helped, but eventually quit because it made me not care about anything (like housework, eating, etc). The one thing it did for me, however, was free me from that little voice that prevented me from being more social. Fortunately, I remembered that feeling when my brain turned to “normal” following the withdrawal from the meds.
I still have those doubts and anxieties before doing things, but now when I hear that voice saying I probably won’t enjoy something, I do the opposite. This has almost completely squashed my social anxiety, and my old self would probably shock most people that know me now. I’m frequently in the thick of things, and have adopted a new attitude of “why not”? I find that doing something resulting in a good story makes just about anything worth it; even if it was a complete failure. Of all the crazy things I’ve done this past year, this one is my favorite (that I can admit publicly).
It started on a routine trip to the Shopette (a military equivalent to 7-11 or Circle K) late April. Cinco De Meyo was right around the corner and they had several displays for Corona and Dos Equis. Anyone who has watched TV in the past few years should recognize the Most Interesting Man in the World, who doesn’t always drink beer, but when he does, it’s Dos Equis. There he was. Full sized, holding a couple maracas and clearly ready to party. I was texting my friend and somewhere in the conversation I joked to her that “I think I’m gonna kidnap the Dos Equis guy”.I thought about it the next day and figured why not? I started formulating a plan, trying to think of how I was going to pull it off, and how much trouble I’d get in if I were caught. For some reason I mentioned it to my kids. Not only did they know exactly who the Most Interesting Man in the World was ( I salute your marketing genius, Havas Worldwide), they fully supported me and kept bugging me to make it happen. My then 14 yr old even wanted to help. Being the bad parent I was, and knowing he’d get off as a minor, I took him with me to do some final recon before I set the plan in motion.
The Dos Equis Guy was unfortunately situated smack dab in the middle of the store, in full view of the front entrance. To make matters worse, he was heavily taped to several cases of beer. Finally, he was directly in the line of sight of the first cashier. Despite these obstacles, I felt I could pull it off. Simply walking in, grabbing him, and running out wasn’t an option considering he was in a busy store, taped to cases, and it was on a military base after all. I decided it would have to be done in stages.
Stage 1: I had to free him from the tape. This is where my accomplice, aka son, came in handy. He distracted the cashier by buying something (happily spending the 5 bucks I gave him). While she was ringing up snacks, I pretended to tie my shoe and cut the tape with my much-noisier-than-it-needed-to-be keychain knife. I actually had to do it twice because there was a lot of tape, but I accomplished my task and left with my son.
Stage 2: I returned the next night at about 7 PM on a Wednesday. During my recon, I determined this was the best time. It was still a little busy, so I wouldn’t stand out like a sore thumb, but not so busy that I’d have eyes on me the whole time. Armed with more money from me, my son provided lookout while I set the next part of my plan in motion. I looked in horror to see two cases of beer had been moved to help support the Dos Equis guy. Fortunately the tape was still cut from yesterday, but I assumed that he wasn’t standing well on his own, hence the cases. I subtly moved the cases, examining both as if I intended to buy them, then walked away for a couple minutes. I wandered back and executed stage 2. There was short wall of beer near the cut-out, so I quickly picked him up and laid him on his side, then walked away again.
Stage 3: My plan was to take him out the back entrance which led into the food court. I returned and moved him towards another wall of beer, closer to the back entrance. I joined my son and finished shopping for items in preparation for the next stage. Out of the corner of my eye, I noticed this little girl start playing with the cut-out hidden behind the second wall of beer. I was hoping she would just go away, but then her mother came over. She must have thought the girl knocked it over, because she picked him up and set him upright. I was worried she was going to put him all the way back to the starting point, but fortunately she left him there. But now, the little girl was obsessed with him (well, he IS the most Interesting Man in the World). This was complicating things because my son had already moved in line, executing…Stage 4: My son’s job was to once again distract the cashier. He was almost up to the front and the quiet corner of the store I had picked as my exit point was suddenly quite busy. Every time I moved towards him, someone would grab some ice-cream or a soda. Finally a brief window opened and I took it. I had intended on setting the Dos Equis guy back down on his side before doing this part, but it was now or never. I grabbed him and walked out the side entrance as calmly as I could, all the while saying “oh god, oh god, oh god” in my head. I felt as if all eyes were on me in the food court, but the worst part was getting him out the door and to my car. That was in full sight of everyone, including the military police car that had just pulled up for gas. I just damned the torpedoes and walked out as quickly and as calmly as I could.
Stage 5: I parked behind the Shopette, (correctly) thinking that loading up a full sized cutout of the Most interesting Man in the World would draw attention. I threw him in the back, quickly shut the tailgate and plopped in the driver’s seat. I looked over at the empty passenger seat and my son was not in it. I hopped out of my car and paced back and forth for a little bit. Finally he appeared and I rushed him into the car. We looked at each other and excitedly went home, feeling like we just pulled off the heist of the century.The Dos Equis guy was a welcome guest at our home, and he's still with us today. We found many places of honor for him to be displayed. Partially so he could get the full tour of our house, but mostly because he scared the crap out of us when we came downstairs in the middle of the night.
The next day, all of my kids were excitedly showing him off to their friends. I thanked my son for helping me, but I asked him why he wanted to do it so badly? He told me, “You have so many fun stories to tell. I wanted one of my own”.
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